i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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