Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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