she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
