So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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