So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
