Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
