it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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