Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
