i used baking grease as lip gloss
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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