If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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