I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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