i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
