she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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