They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
