Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
