I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize