she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
