I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
