make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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