Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
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I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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