I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
