she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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