I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
