ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night