Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default