We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.