I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?