I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"