So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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