Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
