your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
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Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
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We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country