Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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