walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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