Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
