how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
