I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
