remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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