hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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