It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
