My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
