Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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