You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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