Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
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I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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