ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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