He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
