As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
