I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
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All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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