i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
