After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
