my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The Olympian is in my bed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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