I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
