And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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