And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
