he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
