we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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