There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
