i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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