I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
