Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
