She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
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Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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