This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
