you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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