i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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