ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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