Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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