Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
